Sunday 25 June, 5:30pm

I am very hungry. Mum is still in her room sulking. I made a sardine sandwich from what was left of my lunch and turned the television on for company.

I think I am emotionally over-excited, what with the pressure of exams and domestic crises and everything, but I’m afraid that when Aled Jones started singing Amazing Grace I threw the sardine sandwich at him. And the plate. I think it was the plate that broke the protective glass in front of the picture rather than the sardine, but I fear Mum is in no mood for reasonable explanations, so I phoned my friend Antony (who is in the cathedral choir) seeking a sleep-over.

Antony used to be really friendly until he got involved with the cathedral people. Now when you ring him you get his Answerphone message: “Thank you for ringing Antony. I will try to find time to return your call, provided you say who you are, but you must understand that my duties in the Cathedral are onerous and very demanding of my time, so please do not waste it on trivial matters. Kindly leave your message after the Beep.”

Unfortunately the Beep occurs in the middle of the word “Onerous” (“taxing; demanding” – Collins English Dictionary) and the tape has run out before you have time to say anything. So I am going to sleep in Dad’s shed instead, but I did have the presence of mind to leave a note for Mum:

“Urgently summoned to meeting at Antony’s. May have to stay over. Do not worry.

Love, Barry.

PS Sorry about leaving the washing-up. Will explain broken TV on return – severe hailstorm. Hadn’t realised you didn’t close kitchen window before taking early night.

PPS Have shut window for you.”

Have brought torch; have brought letter from Rachel (or Brenda). Floor a trifle uncomfortable, but what is true love if it cannot endure a little hardship?

Have found new pimple on thigh, possibly insect bite. It is very itchy and is stopping me from sleeping. And who knows what other creatures dwell within these wooden walls in the dead of night and crawl silently in search of Human Flesh across the same floor as the one that I am about to enter sweet slumbers upon?