Saturday 23 September 5:00pm

I am going to have to make my own tea, although it is actually mum’s turn, but she can’t fulfil her obligations because she and Mrs Ramsbotham are being held hostage in church by the Flower Ladies.  Mrs R managed to slip off to the awful vestry loo for a moment to phone the police before the battery in her mobile ran out, and the first I knew of this alteration in our domestic arrangements was when my friend from the Daily Mail telephoned for the Inside Story, having had a tip-off from a disgruntled nark in the Police call-centre.  It was all a complete surprise to me, of course, and my first thought was that he was phoning to arrange an interview for that feature about me that he had promised.  But no.  He was very excited.  “That can wait, Barry,” he said.  “Don’t your realise that your mum is being held hostage by a gang of armed Flower Ladies?  There’s massive human interest here, Barry, what with police brutality and little old ladies, and our readers will love it.”

He promised me another £25 cheque if I visit the scene and phone him back with a first-hand report, and I agreed.

I suppose it will have to be boiled egg and soldiers to sustain me through what could prove a long and trying ordeal.  Luckily there are two eggs left, and after my tea I will make all speed up to church, for mum might be in danger.